


This is what your future looks like, Alexandra.

by kg613



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 03:29:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15185777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kg613/pseuds/kg613
Summary: Alex is rewriting her mental tapes.





	This is what your future looks like, Alexandra.

_This is what your future looks like, Alexandra._

The voice was crisp, clear, and so definite that she felt it in her bones. Her soul shook.

Staring at the toilet in front of her - vomit splattered and dirty from the last victim to pay homage - she stood straight. As straight as she could with the liquor coursing through her veins.

“Fuck you.” She spat.

“The fuck did I do to you?” Alex jumped and stared harder at the offensive porcelain. The banging on the stall reminded her addled mind that the toilet was not sentient.

She stumbled out of the stall and saw the true owner of the voice, thick lipped and more put together than any person should be. She scowled. “Clearly, I was having an intimate conversation with the toilet. Thanks for interrupting.”

Goddess divine smiled and Alex hated her on principle.

“No worries, I remember the first time I got drunk in public.” Thick Lips responds with a condescending smile and Alex immediately ~~wants to devour~~ hates her.

“I changed my mind, fuck you.”

“Not when you’ve just prayed to the porcelain gods. Catch me next time.” Think Lips says with a wink as she quashes Alex’s rebuttal and pushes her way past Alex into the stall.

Alex washes her hands, rinses her mouth, and stumbles from the bathroom.

_Just go home, you fucking mess._

When she finally finds her bed, sleep doesn’t come easy.

-

Alex has lived her life on one principle: you are not worthy.

“Try harder, Alex.”

“Do better, Alex.”

“We expected so much more from you, Alexandra.”

“You have so much wasted potential.”

-

The stuttered lights of the club flick up and down her body. She feels them on her even when her eyes are closed. The middle of the dance floor is the perfect place to disappear, no one can find you when you’re hiding in the cacophony of sweaty bodies and spilled booze. She likes it that way.

No one knows her here. The slick of sweaty body on sweaty body on sweaty thigh on slick heat, no one knows her name.

_You really are wasting your potential. Idiot._

-

Stumbling home is a comfort. Ten steps to the entrance of her complex. Two flights to her door. Three - usually - tries to get the key to turn. The body on her back tries to help sometimes. She always wishes he would stop. Whoever _he_ is.

-

“You care if I stay?” He asks.

“Yeah, I’ll call you a cab.”

_You should’ve done that 20 minutes ago before he left you unsatisfied. What’s wrong with you?_

-

When she finally figured out what was wrong with her, it kind of made sense.

She only had sex while drunk. Even the first time when she was just trying to see what the hype was about.

Every time after was just an attempt to finally ‘get it’.

She never did.

Until she finally did.

That first kiss made so much sense.

The first time she made Maggie come was like an epiphany.

-

She started rewriting her mental tapes. She drank less. She felt more. She talked to her mom.

She realized she heard things incorrectly, she heard ‘not good enough,’ when the only thing said was ‘you’re trying your best.’

But still...

_If you couldn’t figure that out, what good are you?_

-

Friday night game nights. Kara loves them, Alex ~~does too~~ tolerates them, but the kitchen is usually stocked.

She’s elbow deep in the fridge reaching for the last beer. Minding her own goddamn business.

“You know, I’ve been trying to figure out how I know you.” Lena said months after she becomes a Friday Night Game Night Regular.

“I guess I have one of those faces? I use to party a lot, so if you hung out in San Francisco or National City from 2007 until 2012, you probably met me on the bathroom floor.” Alex laughed hard, hand grasping the IPA hiding behind the milk, attempting to hide her embarrassment.

“Wait, you...where did you go to undergrad?”

Alex felt her stomach fall directly into her butt. “Berkeley.” Her voice was weak as she tried to stand up straight hoping the floor would envelop her whole.

“THAT’S IT!” Lena yelled. “Did you ever go to Albatross Pub?”

Alex looked at the floor affronted that it hadn’t eaten her yet, “Yup.”

“That has to be it! I use to go to with my brother when I visited him. Holy shit!” Lena’s green eyes grew wide and her thick lips contorted into a smile and Alex ~~almost got lost in wondering how those lips would taste~~ looked away.

“You would dominate at darts! When Lex would start trolling for chicks, I would sit in the corner and watch you hustle frat bros! I knew I would figure it out! This has been nagging me since you saved me.” Lena’s face was pure joy, no judgment.

When Alex looked at Lena she felt the pull of a memory she couldn’t escape. “Oh shit! You’re Thick Lips!” Alex couldn’t stop the revelation before it left her mouth.

_You’re trash, you know that?_

“I’m...I’m who?”

“Fuck. Nothing. Oh god.” If there was a God, earthen or kryptonian, it would take mercy on her and accept her with open arms straight into Hell.

Lena’s grin was a cross between ‘shit eating’ and ‘lascivious’. “Have you been talking to toilets lately, or was that a one-off?”

“Fuck.”

_You could jump off the balcony, end it now._

“I’ve been waiting for that ‘next time’.”

_DON’T JUMP!_

-

The voice in Alex’s head had never been on her side. It was always a cunt. That voice consistently reminded her that she wasn’t worth it. Reminded her that her parents, her sister, the world would all be better without her.

But since Maggie came into her life she’d been working on rewriting her mental tapes.

She’d been reminding herself that she was trying.

That she was strong.

That she was doing her best.

That she was proud of herself.

That her potential was limitless.

_Did you finally figure out what I meant?_

-

Alex cocked her head with a coy smile, “My Saturday is open if you want to try it out.”

The smile on those thick lips reinforced the voice in Alex's head.

_This is what your future looks like, Alexandra._


End file.
